in 2003, i wrote the following:
“it has come to my knowledge — how i could have forgotten given my latest mindstates is beyond me, but i digress — it has come to my knowledge that i have dual citizenship, and if i am to flee, i could, no questions asked. the key term in the previous sentence is “flee”, which entails running from, in occurrence, something. determining the source is an easy task, cliched at best. it involves dissatisfaction on many fronts; mainly feelings of non-future in important life-areas coupled with a blooming desire to reconnect with blood-related roots. would this mean, then, that i would understand? that i would suddenly and finally be granted the light that so dimly shines within? this is matter-of-factually stated, as i am not particularly overthrown, just merely curious as to the effects of potentiality.”
it is now almost a decade later. i reflect back upon these thoughts, seemingly written by a younger sister or an old friend. it is no surprise to say that i have always had the want, the desire and the hypothetical drive to leave, but i have never had the opportunity, the means, the down-to-earth design to go along with it—until now. (the barriers we put up for ourselves are certainly multiple and stifling, in hindsight.) today, my reasons are less easily boxed in. life-areas are malleable. am i fleeing? am i running from? no. i am running toward, with tactile arms ready to entangle, mind aware and eyes open. i am wanting to reconnect with blood-related roots, absolutely, but i am also wanting to express, and live the second half in that second half, however it may go.
what can be said of the indivisible dual individual, then? un peu des deux, donc. ni l’une ni l’autre, mais l’une dans l’autre et l’autre dans l’une. méditerranéenne, fluvienne. la mer dans les os, la sirène sous la neige. ni francophone, ni anglophone, ni québécoise, ni turque. montréalaise, peut-être (certes); stambouliote, pas encore. l’entre-deux aux limites invisibles. look deep within to see further out: la terre est vaste. on commence par se perdre pour finir par se retrouver.
“accept that you are part of the world,
that you cannot understand the world,
that it won’t speak the way you speak.”
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